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Thank you for your input. I thought it was only God who forgives me if I was truly sorry and repented for all my wrong doings. I am much older now and see what all I had done was wrong. At the time I just didn’t. I had lost my way, my family and all sense of direction. Now it seems that it is man that I have to turn to get permission in order to maybe allow me to receive my Lord and Savior at Mass.
The problem is, I can’t talk about what happened to me without breaking down. The abuse was to traumatic. I can’t even remember dates and things maybe required for details on when or where it was I was married the first time from a traumatic brain injury nor do I live in the same state.
I have prayed for forgiveness and thought I was forgiven, but the church apparently is going to make it impossible to come back and be whole with the church.
I feel I can’t go back home ( our Church) without feeling so much shame for past sins that should have been wiped clean.
Funny thing is I have prayed and prayed for God to forgive. Years back I actually had a dream of Pope John Paul that was directly in front of me and he was holding the Eucharist in one hand and white light was radiating from the Host, and a beautiful golden chalice in the other hand. He told me “This is the body of Christ” and he placed it on my tongue.
You have no idea what that was like to experience even though it was a dream. It seemed so real…as I could actually feel in my dream. He had such a peaceful look and with so much love radiating from his face. I have never felt so close with our Lord through this dream. It is indescribable.
It was through this dream that made me realize how much I need to keep receiving my Lord and Savior and go back into the church and be a part of it.
I feel so lost right now. I just don’t understand why man can’t forgive me and let me come back. It’s like telling me I can come home with the family but not allowed to come to the dinner table because I am not good enough.
I wish this life was over to tell the truth. I can’t do anything right it seems. I only want to be with my heavenly Father. I know He will not turn me away.