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Follow up. I do suffer from scrupulosity. I don’t look for sin, but if someone suggests a sin — then I begin to do too much self examination. I have sought advice from a Passionist retreat director, who knew right away that I suffered from OCD and scrupulosity. I don’t come up with these “sins” on my own — all someone has to do is post something and it sets me worrying.
I saw somewhere else, posted by a Docent, that prayer for oneself without true love and devotion was bordering on superstition. I was making progress until I read that – I had to find a spiritual director to speak to because that sentence made me unable to pray for myself as I viewed myself as self-centered and that would border on the superstitious.
As a cradle Catholic, this was one of the things that my grandmother drove into me and that was to not delve into things that were not “of God.” I was not praying for things — but a healing for my leg and being able to find another job. I could pray for others — but not myself after reading that statement on superstition.
However, the spiritual director assured me that it was not superstition (to pray for oneself — a job, a healing for my leg), Docents can be wrong if the context was correct as I conveyed the post, and that not even priests “feel” it with every prayer and every time they pray.
I have posted a prayer of Thankfulness for the help I have received here, so early on, that took me on a path back.
I’m not perfect, but I find it much easier, understand more, and the answers do seem to come now that I am more open to hearing them. Since my leg was injured last fall (cane, brace — can’t do stairs too well), my pastor dispensed me from Mass — to just do what I can. I have decided to “make it” and I have been succeeding in being regular at Mass and confession. Now I will add Eucharistic Devotion for Lent.
God Bless everyone.
P.S. someone on that other site said my reconcilation was invalid which also sent me into a tailspin that I had to go back to see if a priest could lift an excommunication or I had to go seek out the Bishop. It suggested there are so many people out there who confess, and will find out that the confession was invalid eventually. You can imagine what that did to me. My fear is that I believe I’m doing right — and then someone or something plants a doubt. Like my confession was irregular and my prayer was invalid. It happens like that. Anyway, I’m assured that my confession was valid and the spiritual director suggested less reading of Apologetics when I find myself doubting what I’m doing — to take a break so as not to obsess.